Losing is one of the greatest fears of human beings. Losing a game, losing a job, and most of all losing a loved one. When we lose, we grow a layer. A layer of toughness, that becomes a shield to never lose that way again. Losing, at what seems to be too often, can cause many of us to grow cold. Especially when that lost is a life-form.

July 2009, I lost my younger brother. Now, I have lost him before; in the mall, at a party. Even lost cool points with him when he bought his first car and no longer needed me to take him places. I would have traded all of the previous times for this one moment in July. This time I lost him to cancer. I’ve lost other family members before, and will lose more after, but nothing compared to losing my brother. Everyone stood over me telling me I will be okay, he’s in a better place, this too shall pass, and time heals all wounds. I could not and would not believe a word anyone said. Not then at least. My heart was gone, and there was no reason to find it.

Cancer would bring more lost to my family. It just made its visit to us again in April of this year, taking my uncle. Each time I had a heart somewhere for it to take with it. Each time I was surprised that there was even a heart there to take. See my physical heart is here because I am alive, but my spiritual heart is alway M.I.A. Its always around somewhere. Moved, but present. If it was not present, I would not have the thing it takes to work with youth. I would not have the oomph it takes to function in this crazy, and at times lose-lose world. I would not have the flow it takes to pick up and see through another day. Yet, not being able to find it when I need it was causing a problem I am functionally unaware of.

Having a lost heart does more over time than losing an object. One day you start settling on being cold. You settle on losing things. Figure it was not meant to be, because if it was it would have stayed. If my heart was meant to be warm and unmoved, then it would be as such.

Just as I settled on this feeling. I randomly turned on “Collateral Beauty”. Not knowing what the movie was about, I sat and watched with an open logical mind. I was focused, and not multitasking for once. I usually turn away from movies involving cancer because my life is already a movie involving cancer, but I did not know that this movie was a cancer movie. Without giving anymore of the movie away, I saw where my heart had been moved to. It had been moved to a place where my emotions lived. All of the emotions I have been told to lose since I was a child. All of the emotions I have dumped because this world does not need another emotional person. This place was not hard to find, because emotions were still able to find me when situations called. It was in a room with a creaked door that I choose to ignore. This movie kicked that door open and I once again lost, this time control. I cried until my face was swollen and my heart beat louder than my logic. Everything lost was in that room. Except for the $50 I lost on Stony Brook’s campus in a chapstick tube, but thats neither here nor there. When an actual door opened I rushed to close my emotional door back. Dried my tears, splashed cold water on my face, and went back to being functionally lost. Then “A Monster Calls” shows up on my movie list today. The monster looks like Groot from “Guardians of the Galaxy”. I like Groot, so I click on the movie. Once again, cancer is on my screen. This time, I hold the creaked door closed. I held it so tight my side began to beat. God seems to only come to me when I am in between wake and sleep. This time God took my hands off the door. I am still crying as I type this post.

See, I have grown accustom to lost. I have accepted not knowing the whereabouts of my heart. Even in a loving relationship, I have allowed the creaked door to set my emotions on a timer so that a sense of functional lost is always in control. Today, God said stop. I have to stop ignoring the creaked door and the moved heart. I have to clean the room and place things where they belong so they are no longer lost. I have to stop stalling on life because its easier to be functionally unaware than it is to feel.

Scared and hurt is a place, but it is not the only place that exist. Logic is a tool, not a personality or a heart replacement. Losing people is part of life, and love. Time does not heal all wounds. Time is time, and wounds heal to leave scars when you stop picking them. There is no getting over the lost of a loved one, and cancer will always suck. But you know what? Every year they are gone will look different. Some years you will cry more than other years, and some years you will laugh more. One thing is for certain. That loved one will want you to keep track of your heart, because that is where they will always be, and never truly lost.